Life update...
Sep. 26th, 2023 06:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
abyss_valkyrieHello...to anybody still seeing my posts,haha.
I don't know. Life's been a strange roller coaster of emotions and mental stress for months now.
I'm just so tired, not physically, but mentally...Absolutely. Yes.
So, after my summer vacations, there were some reforms in my new school and I wasn't going to be teaching any longer. I got a chance to stay as a secretary to my Academic Director, which was cool, because I wanted to try something new. Along with academic related duties I was also coordinating for International exams, now that's a great skill set which I wouldn't have had an opportunity to learn otherwise.
I was pretty excited all in all. But once I started working, there was...just no time. There was literally work coming in at night, midnight, morning,afternoon and so on. Which is...not fine but tolerable if the end goal is satisfying I suppose. The problem was, I didn't have a goal. I felt so lost. My AD has an old-school style of 'motivating' people wherein he literally will act fed up or make you feel stupid for not knowing things. I was trying so hard to learn everything and juggle so many things at once, blame that on my inability to accept the fact that I can be bad at something; perfectionism?! But it made me realise that maybe I don't have a whole lot of life skills even though I excel at learning and doing things with the right direction. What did upset me was being compared to others, I guess. There was always the comments like 'oh you're so slow, so lazy, if so and so was here they would have been able to do things excellently'. Lazy? And me? I'm the furthest thing from lazy.
I am sensitive...I think. It's hard to survive in Asian communities when you're emotional. But God help me, I can't not be emotional.
Once I started refusing to overwork myself, other work-related drama started to ensue and I guess, my attitude of not wanting to stay for long periods without extra pay, or work 24/7 was not really working for my AD.
I'd asked him earlier on that I would prefer going back to teaching but I would help him with the work I was doing because honestly, I wanted the respect and the feeling of being a teacher again. Things happened, my friends (I'm gonna refer to them as P and D for now) at my workplace have been so good to me, they've been the greatest source of strength during my hard times. Honestly, if not for them, I wouldn't have lasted a month. But P and D have their own set of problems going on, things that shouldn't be happening to them either.
I'd checked in with the AD after the school tried to adjust me as a teacher and I was kind of pushed to teach in another school which was an experience I don't want to go through again. It wasn't the worst but oh dear God, I can see why teachers all over the world are tired of entitled students and parents. I was ready to quit officially too and visited the school, but I was told not to be rash in decision making and I decided to delay it.
And then what happens?! I get notified that I won't be working any longer, and not even in a systematic way. Like they couldn't have just informed me of this when I asked what was to be done about my position? If they were going to let me go, why keep the uncertainty going? I'm not the only one facing this though. There's plenty of good in this school but the way the teachers are treated when they want to release them, from what I've seen, it's heart-breaking. And I seriously don't know how things will go for me.
I can only hope for things to end in a good way without any blackmailing of sorts and tears, considering that I have been well-behaved with my AD and everybody in general.
I've been trying to set a goal for myself, for pursuing my masters because I'm at a point where I simply have no choice. What are we without goals? It's scary, frustrating and so damn depressing to be adrift without a goal.
Do I have any eldest daughters on this platform reading this? How are you guys? Because I'm...tired. Aaaaaah!
I don't know. Life's been a strange roller coaster of emotions and mental stress for months now.
I'm just so tired, not physically, but mentally...Absolutely. Yes.
So, after my summer vacations, there were some reforms in my new school and I wasn't going to be teaching any longer. I got a chance to stay as a secretary to my Academic Director, which was cool, because I wanted to try something new. Along with academic related duties I was also coordinating for International exams, now that's a great skill set which I wouldn't have had an opportunity to learn otherwise.
I was pretty excited all in all. But once I started working, there was...just no time. There was literally work coming in at night, midnight, morning,afternoon and so on. Which is...not fine but tolerable if the end goal is satisfying I suppose. The problem was, I didn't have a goal. I felt so lost. My AD has an old-school style of 'motivating' people wherein he literally will act fed up or make you feel stupid for not knowing things. I was trying so hard to learn everything and juggle so many things at once, blame that on my inability to accept the fact that I can be bad at something; perfectionism?! But it made me realise that maybe I don't have a whole lot of life skills even though I excel at learning and doing things with the right direction. What did upset me was being compared to others, I guess. There was always the comments like 'oh you're so slow, so lazy, if so and so was here they would have been able to do things excellently'. Lazy? And me? I'm the furthest thing from lazy.
I am sensitive...I think. It's hard to survive in Asian communities when you're emotional. But God help me, I can't not be emotional.
Once I started refusing to overwork myself, other work-related drama started to ensue and I guess, my attitude of not wanting to stay for long periods without extra pay, or work 24/7 was not really working for my AD.
I'd asked him earlier on that I would prefer going back to teaching but I would help him with the work I was doing because honestly, I wanted the respect and the feeling of being a teacher again. Things happened, my friends (I'm gonna refer to them as P and D for now) at my workplace have been so good to me, they've been the greatest source of strength during my hard times. Honestly, if not for them, I wouldn't have lasted a month. But P and D have their own set of problems going on, things that shouldn't be happening to them either.
I'd checked in with the AD after the school tried to adjust me as a teacher and I was kind of pushed to teach in another school which was an experience I don't want to go through again. It wasn't the worst but oh dear God, I can see why teachers all over the world are tired of entitled students and parents. I was ready to quit officially too and visited the school, but I was told not to be rash in decision making and I decided to delay it.
And then what happens?! I get notified that I won't be working any longer, and not even in a systematic way. Like they couldn't have just informed me of this when I asked what was to be done about my position? If they were going to let me go, why keep the uncertainty going? I'm not the only one facing this though. There's plenty of good in this school but the way the teachers are treated when they want to release them, from what I've seen, it's heart-breaking. And I seriously don't know how things will go for me.
I can only hope for things to end in a good way without any blackmailing of sorts and tears, considering that I have been well-behaved with my AD and everybody in general.
I've been trying to set a goal for myself, for pursuing my masters because I'm at a point where I simply have no choice. What are we without goals? It's scary, frustrating and so damn depressing to be adrift without a goal.
Do I have any eldest daughters on this platform reading this? How are you guys? Because I'm...tired. Aaaaaah!
There's so much more to write, but I don't know how to word it, really. I almost wish I could just turn back time a few years and maybe be a little disobedient, uncomfortable then so I wouldn't be facing what I'm facing now.
But equally, I'm also so grateful to have met the people I met at work this year; I found the closest friends I have made as an adult. They're all so close to my heart. So maybe, I needed to be this version of myself, be here at this time to have met them.
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-26 06:55 pm (UTC)But oof, that all sounds super stressful. All the hugs!
If they were going to let me go, why keep the uncertainty going? I'm not the only one facing this though. There's plenty of good in this school but the way the teachers are treated when they want to release them, from what I've seen, it's heart-breaking. And I seriously don't know how things will go for me.
That is just cruel. So sorry you're having to deal with that!
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-26 07:51 pm (UTC)It is cruel, isn't it?Like we're really out here working sincerely and they take advantage of our well-bred nature. >:(
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-26 08:31 pm (UTC)*sends more hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-27 12:36 am (UTC)So maybe, I needed to be this version of myself, be here at this time to have met them.
That's a good perspective.
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-27 06:05 pm (UTC)Thank you for the hugs!
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-27 03:37 pm (UTC)I'm an eldest daughter (eldest child overall) so I feel your pain. You think you can't show "weakness" because then you're setting a bad example and letting your family down, and you feel like you have to be on top of everything all the time. It really is exhausting.
I hope you manage to take a break soon and indulge in some hobbies and I'm glad you've made good friends and that there's a silver lining to all the stress you're going through!
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-27 06:05 pm (UTC)Being laid off feels so strange, because on one hand I'm not having to deal with the craziness of 24/7 work hours but at the same time it feels a bit empty. Gotta get through this though, all that thing about new doors opening when old one closes, am I right?
you have to be on top of everything all the time plus trying to keep being a mediator between your family members, while being 30+ and single in an Asian family!AAHHHH!!! I really want to melt into a puddle,lol.
(no subject)
Date: 2023-09-30 12:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 11:22 am (UTC)*hugs back*
(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 10:21 am (UTC)I'm also very tired rn, because September was very stressful and we had to meet two deadlines (both last Friday), and I can very much empathize with not having *any* energy left over. Of course, neither projects met the deadline comfortably, and we still have to put in some work in the next two weeks before the stress will lessen. i'm really at the end of my rope. Luckily, our bosses are great and supportive and understanding, so I'm happy to stay where I am.
I am an eldest child, too, and I have that perfectionism streak too. I absolutely know how you feel, and I'm proud of you that you can say it out loud: you are not lazy! <3 I had a burn-out at 25, and the perfectionism has (perforce) had to go down afterwards. I felt bad about it for years, but now have made my peace with it.
I've also made a few mistakes in my life that I wish I hadn't, and some things in my life have turned out differently than I would have liked - but then I guess it's normal that things don't go perfectly all the time. I hope this hard time will leave some positive after-effects for you, too. <3<3<3
(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 11:20 am (UTC)Burnouts are so hard to come to terms with! Waaah, September is sure stressful always, I'm glad your bosses are trying to understand and support you guys. My boss is a strange man, in that he doesn't want to let me go but at the same time can't fit me in anywhere and that's keeping me in a limbo.
I'm trying to fill up my time for a bit by making an icon-challenge post for fandom10in30, making icons and trying to learn some CSS, so I'm not overthinking and worrying. My friends P and D at work were so worried, that I felt bad about them having to deal with my mood. AAAAHHH!!
I'm so looking forward to the positive after-effects!
*hugs back*
(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 12:20 pm (UTC)I'm looking forward to the fandom10in30 post, then! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 11:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2023-10-01 04:17 pm (UTC)